The truth is, something needs to change. I already mentioned it a few weeks/months ago, but currently this is a little too much for me. Not you, not the blog in general, but the combination of everything. I always was a person who put school or uni after everything else, simply because I could. I never had to prioritize school or university, because I always made it somehow not very good but also not very bad. This semester was nothing different than ever, which is why I wouldn’t even say that my current “state” is the result of my studies.
The “state” (sounds more dramatic than it is) is the following: I am tired, I am to 100 percent overwhelmed with my whole life at the moment. Sure, this is going to change, I know that with a little more structure everything will be back to the usual very soon. But for the moment I need some time to breathe. I didn’t upload 4 posts per week lately anyways, but still I had the pressure to put 4 up. Now I am setting myself the goal for at least 3, whenever I am too busy, then at least 2 and when everything works out perfectly 4. We’ll see how long this is going to be my schedule, maybe I am back to 4 posts per week very soon, I don’t know. However I need to prepare my blogposts during the semester on the weekends, at least mainly, in order to stick to my schedule during the week. I’ll try to be back to 4 posts per week until uni starts again, but I won’t make any promises.
Everything full time except myself…
The truth is, a full time job (since the blog is time wise a full time job) paired with full time studies, working out regularly and having time for friends and family is almost impossible to reconcile if not something else has to come of badly: myself. Yes, I honestly don’t know when I slept in for the last time without feeling bad afterwards for wasting so much time with sleeping. When I had a day just for myself for the last time, without work or uni, just a day for stuff I truly love. Yes I love my job, I am always saying that to make sure you don’t forget about it, I am so extremely grateful for everything I can experience. Still I can’t remember a single day during the last months, when I had time for myself, to for example finish of the painting I am currently trying to paint for my Mom and our living room. Or as I said just sleeping in and starting the day super relaxed.
University, blogging, working out and so much more
Besides the things I already mentioned there’s so much more which is going on in my life and which is currently debilitating my power. There’s so much in my personal life you don’t know and you shouldn’t know either, but honestly the combination of my studies, my job, my personal life, working out &&& is just too much for me. I barely slept at all during the last weeks, because I always felt like it was a waste of time. I am constantly stressed because I have too much to do and too little time for all of that and if I have to be honest, it’s all because of me.
I am my biggest enemy!
When it comes to this I am my biggest enemy, my hardest critic, I am extremely ambitious when it comes to my blog or working out for example, I have a very accurate imagination of how things should work out and I am constantly trying to fulfill my own expectations. Also why the hell did I say yes to so many projects when I actually don’t even have time for that? Well, because I have the goal to push this blog forward. Just thinking about the face that I am trying to include more GIFs and collages in my posts and that I created my own Lightroom filter, is insane. I guess it’s not that big of a surprise that I am stressed and not the best at university. Sure I have goals regarding university as well, but as I said, I always was “lucky” enough to get through everything without studying. On the one hand that’s great but on the other hand that’s awful. Okay I didn’t have to be very concerned since I always made every school year now matter how I made it (I honestly don’t know). And what a human never had to do is something this human will never do, so I never learned how to study. Some day this for sure will change and this is why I am currently extremely afraid of failing all my exams.
No! Enough is enough!
However I cannot change it anymore, I just can try to do more for university from now on and preparing my posts better from now on and don’t stressing myself as much as I used to do. You don’t even want to know how often my friends told me “Eva, slow down! Go to bed, have a rest and don’t work for too long tonight.”, I honestly don’t want to know it myself. But one thing I know for sure is, that I need to organize everything better.
Another big problem is btw that I am the worst at saying no. If somebody asks me, if I can help with something, I can’t say “no”, even though I know exactly that I don’t have time for that and will just be even more stressed. I just can’t. I have to learn to say no and to prioritize more, but most importantly I need to stop stressing myself. Sooner or later I will drive crazy and that’s something we all don’t want.