And sometimes everything adds up and I feel like I am drowning in all these worries which are in my head….
Today it’s finally time for a new life update, since I stopped posting my weekly reviews I feel like the personal touch or better said my day to day life is missing a bit on this blog. However since I know, that you all seem very interested in that I wanted to update you a little bit. The most common compliment I get is that you like my “natural” personality or better said the fact that I am quite “normal”. Ok well I am anything but normal, sometimes I’m kinda crazy, but I guess that’s normal too, because everybody is a little crazy from time to time. However, where to start, the last weeks were super stressful. I barely even posted on this blog or on Instagram, but I am honestly done with justifying myself for that. Uni started again but this term is relatively short so it’s very intense. On Thursday we had an event which we planned since October, so before that it was even more stressful.
With this event finally happening we all felt kind of relieved, but the day ended not very great for me. The stress of the last weeks added up a little and my circularity just collapsed before the end of the event. Well now I can tell you, when you spent your Thursday evening in the hospital, don’t go on a weekend trip where you spend majority of your time working and shooting new content. I visited Caro which was of course nice, but it was so tiring due to all the shooting we got done. Of course I am happy that I finally have new pictures, but it still wasn’t the best idea, but let’s get to the reason for all of this.
Searching for an internship, the question where I want to go, university, this blog, etc. all of this is stressful.
I am a very open, upbeat and mostly positive person, I try not to care too much about things or even taking them personal, I try to always see the good in everything. Still sometimes everything just adds up. I start thinking about everything and anything and all hits me at once. Then I start thinking about it and everything I always try to forget crosses my mind, I start thinking about my future and I am just scared. I am scared this blog isn’t forever and in a few years it doesn’t even count as a job reference in a CV anymore. I am scared of not getting an internship, since I mostly don’t feel like I am really qualified. My friends often tell me that I have to stop doing that much and stop stressing so much about everything and anything. I am just so scared, that if I stop for a second I am not going to find any job at all. I am scared if I really won’t find an internship or even a job after my studies. I am scared that blogger or influencer is a job which is going extinct over night and I won’t be able to pay my bills anymore. I am scared because of so many contingencies, that I just cannot stop.
This fear stops me from sleeping, keeps me awake and always keeps me going. Do I want to start doing a masters degree right after my bachelor degree? A masters degree in general, or is a bachelor degree enough for me? In case I want to do the masters degree, which one do I want to make? All these questions can of course wait a few more months but still I cannot stop thinking about them right now. What if I chose the wrong city to move into? Of course most people would say: you’re young you can always move somewhere else, you’ve got plenty of time. Truth is, I don’t feel like I’ve got plenty of time left, I feel like I don’t have any time. I always feel like I have to move on, to keep going and to never stop. I feel like I see everybody ahead of me, but even though I am trying so hard I just can’t keep up to their level. However as soon as I stop trying I will finally fall back.
I am so afraid of falling by the wayside and looking back onto my life in a few years thinking I should have done more. That’s why I just can’t stop thinking about anything and everything, sitting at my desk at night, working on concepts and putting all my time and energy into something productive.
I hope now you all understand a little better why I am giving you new content on here so irregularly lately and I hope you stay the amazing community which you are right now, even though I just cannot give you updates as frequently as I’d like to.
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